17 October, 2009

Memory

Quietly, the wind whispered through the trees.
The warm, bright sun made patterns there in the shade as we sat.
Me and Emily
We looked at the patterns and watched them ebb and flow.
The great oak tree we sat below.
Talking.
Laughing.
Me and my love.
And the day went by.
Laying side by side
Breathing the fresh early autumn air.
Feeling the silt and sand
with our bare feet
underneath
At times, a plane would pass overhead.
And then a.
And we would wonder about it.
And dream.
The day felt like it could go on indefinitely.
Beautifully. Tragically.
That night, staring off into the night sky
Watching the passing cars pass on by
and our minds
Building, dreaming, weaving a web
We kissed goodnight
And went to sleep
side by side

I dreamt that night
that there was a pyramid to be made
bricks to be laid
but as time raced, my heart paced
i felt so hopeless there, in that state
i awoke in a cold sweat
reassuring my love, my dear
my sweet emily, with fraughtful face that there was nothing to fear
kissing her gently on her cheek
i tell her i'm sorry, but i have to leave
grab my cereal bar, briefcase, too
she pats me on the head as i walk out the door
hands me my coffee, says i'll see you at four
she sees me nervous, says
don't worry, dear, everything will be fine
smiling, gently, reassuring
everything is perfect
i wave goodbye

But of course all I ruminate in my mind
is how i'm sure nothing will work out this time
my watch has stopped ticking
A black cat crosses my path
and I try to lie with a big stupid smile
but the feeling inside
tells me it's all a lie

It was not so long ago
that we found eachother, you know
And though I found her pretty
I never could see
what someone like her
would ever see in me

Her poetry was smooth
and deep as the ocean
Our first dates I was clumsily
going through the motions
From advice to worse inaction
Addictive dependencies
Unknown infractions
And yet somehow, someway, she stayed, she believed
always convinced i deserved to be leaved

Now all I can think of are ways i could mess up
and off the cuff
i fully resign
when i see her
to leave everything behind

I lie and I say I can't come home tonight
there's too much pressure, too much fright
maybe we'll be apart for awhile
she starts to cry, i tell her to smile
she's overwhelmed and confused
though i can't tell her the truth
so i hang up
the phone
tell myself she's better off alone

As I drive off, with no goal in mind
perhaps to go to a motel
perhaps looking to find
something
and
i see a sign
"enlightenment this way"
"come anytime, night or day"
so i go, i find a man and i pay
and he instructs me
to sit
in a cave

and i sit
waiting
day after day
for something to find me
to come my way
but all i can feel
though i try to suppress
is the memory of the girl
and the feel of her breath
day after day
there's nothing else left

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