27 May, 2012

Personal notes

These are notes that are meant just for me...

I've been back from Guatemala for a few months and have not wanted to adjust, in a lot of ways.
The first few weeks back, especially were a cruel culture shock. Everyone here seemed so unfriendly, just straight up ignoring you if you said hello. The damp cold weather didn't help.
I've been feeling very depressed, especially since I've been having more trouble than usual finding the motivation to get up and go with nothing to motivate except the dim possibility of shitty work.
Since I dropped out of college, I knew that I would never fit in with the "normal world". I forced myself to go back, but was miserable, though I had my art and dreams of moving to an eco-village, I really didn't connect a lot with the work world or anything.
I moved out to Washington.
I've been trying to understand the past so I can understand the future. I realise this is entirely self-absorbed.
But I'm just trying to find a way to fit into a world that I never fit into.
Sad thing is, I've always been a loser, but at least I haven't been a quitter.
I feel less inclined than ever to get a menial job. The last one I had I dropped so I could travel the road and be homeless for a stretch and work at farms.
I'm having trouble communicating.
It seems, but maybe its just me that people are becoming actors in their lives more than ever- wearing clothes to dress a part rather than being it. I see this in the fashion trends- the rehashing of the old, in steampunk and in Lady Gaga.
It seems the Hollywood ideal has infected us and we're more interested in the surface than in the connections. Maybe this is just what I see, I don't know. I feel so disconnected from the fake it and smile attitude. I want something real.
I want to connect. I want to do something meaningful.
I think I'm realising more and more, due to my past, even though I don't like many aspects of this culture. I'm still trapped by it. I grew up wanting to be an animator, having no family life.
I think we're all going to need help getting out of this.
I'm a little bit more hopeful, but still very sad.
It's not going to be easy.
I don't feel it's meaningless.
But this is like starting off with dust.

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