20 March, 2013

Stay long stay strong

So here is where things are written. Things of great importance and such. Things that you will read and be enlightened by. Things that... oh nevermind, it's pretty random around here.

There are four weeks until I leave for Asheville. There is still a lot of prepping to do before I go there. A lot of random stuff moving around, changing my mailing address. Catching up and finishing the work I am doing now on the Permaculture Music project. Trying to plan for the future and whatever art projects that lie in store there. I'm hoping to have something to do with art projects in the future. I feel like that could be good.

I don't know though. We will see what the future will bring. I will be moving across country from a place I don't belong to another place I don't belong. I have a feeling I want to travel around and do interviews, make some art and maybe one day settle down and have a dog. Every now and then I think of going back to school and then laugh because it seems so ridiculous.

I wish I were happy like the people in those Drug commercials.

But that's stupid. I'll just keep waking up in the morning. Keep pressing forward through the pain and doing yoga and being stubborn and not taking prescription anti-depressants. If I could take them, maybe I could enjoy a shitty job here and make money and be content.

It seems I will have to make do without the support of psychiatrists and things, travel the road, straight-edged and free and depressed. But at least I will have lived, right?

I hope so.

I hope you can live, too.

It's not always happy or optimistic. It's pretty sad most of the time, actually.

Stay clear of the drugs. Even weed will fuck you up if you stay with it for too long.


17 March, 2013

Nobody, Nowhere

I read RD Laings "The Divided Self" about a month ago and really felt like I had read one of the most essential books of our time. At its core, the book talks about a self, seen largely in anxious and schizoid categorized individuals that needs to be around people but at the same time, feels unsafe. The self then creates a false self, one that acts more than participates. It's a coping mechanism that in the end causes more problems than it solves.

The book is my life.And I'm exhausted. Right now I'm gearing up to go to Asheville to work on a farm and I'm terrified. I got glowing recommendations and was honest in my interviews, but I'm terrified I won't be able to live up to expectations. That things will fall apart. That I won't be able to handle things. I'm a hard worker, but I've struggled my entire life with asthma, allergies and general nonspecific weakness and ineptitude.

But staying here doesn't seem like a great option, either. It's a little more secure as I have cheap housing for the forseeable future but there is no work and I've become stagnant again. I feel like I need a change in order to break free, to do and become something greater, but am also terrified and feel like there are no good options wherever one looks.

I am optimistic but its not the kind of rosy optimism. I think the future of mankind is going to be kind of dark but after maybe a few hundred years, we might be able to live healthily again. I forsee a lot of pain and death. It's terrifying and I'm terrified and not particularly trusting of people.

Sometimes I just want to end it all. But the guilt doesn't let me. :\

02 March, 2013

What's so Great About Art, Anyway?

Last summer I got paid entirely too much money to be an extra on a Hollywood movie. The movie, "21 and Over" just released to terrible reviews. I didn't see the movie and might wait until it's out on DVD to see if I can spot myself and my friends, but the crew were very nice, had a fun time making the movie and did everything in a smart and efficient manner(as efficiently as a Hollywood movie can be). They knew they were making a commercial product but had fun doing it.

There exists a strange sort of split in our society between high art and fun. It's fashionable to say your(sic) an artist. To pretend that what you're doing matters. To suffer nobly for the greater good. It's not very fashionable to say that you're doing something for the money or just to have fun. You have to suffer. You have to be important and tell other people how important you are.

I've put on a few art shows and used to tell people I was an artist. Then I got tired of the responses. Often there was the look of awe when I told them I was an artist. Then I would say I usually just draw dogs and book covers and it's oftentimes pretty mundane. 

For some reason I have found there is often the assumption that great artists or great athletes have some magical ability. That they do something beyond their simple craft. Something magical and mysterious that noone else can touch. There seems to be the thought that mechanics and janitors can't know this too. That artists don't simply learn their craft in school or by trade little by little the same way that teachers and politicians do. It is a great disrespect and disservice to worship and praise great artists if you are not also praising great teachers, great plumbers, great mailmen, great bus drivers and great bridge builders.

I have no idea why we worship artists(especially actors) and sports figures. They are two of the most worthless professions. Even though they do what they do well, they are just entertainers. They are just having fun. What's so great about art, anyway? I like to draw, but is it growing food for me or fixing my toilet or making me a better person? No!

Fuck art!