17 March, 2013

Nobody, Nowhere

I read RD Laings "The Divided Self" about a month ago and really felt like I had read one of the most essential books of our time. At its core, the book talks about a self, seen largely in anxious and schizoid categorized individuals that needs to be around people but at the same time, feels unsafe. The self then creates a false self, one that acts more than participates. It's a coping mechanism that in the end causes more problems than it solves.

The book is my life.And I'm exhausted. Right now I'm gearing up to go to Asheville to work on a farm and I'm terrified. I got glowing recommendations and was honest in my interviews, but I'm terrified I won't be able to live up to expectations. That things will fall apart. That I won't be able to handle things. I'm a hard worker, but I've struggled my entire life with asthma, allergies and general nonspecific weakness and ineptitude.

But staying here doesn't seem like a great option, either. It's a little more secure as I have cheap housing for the forseeable future but there is no work and I've become stagnant again. I feel like I need a change in order to break free, to do and become something greater, but am also terrified and feel like there are no good options wherever one looks.

I am optimistic but its not the kind of rosy optimism. I think the future of mankind is going to be kind of dark but after maybe a few hundred years, we might be able to live healthily again. I forsee a lot of pain and death. It's terrifying and I'm terrified and not particularly trusting of people.

Sometimes I just want to end it all. But the guilt doesn't let me. :\


Andrea Rouda said...

DO NOT END IT ALL! For starters, that's dumb since you will eventually die for sure someday, so why not just see what else life has in store?

As for being terrified of your next step: that's good! I am terrified of going to Haiti, but then I think, what else am I doing? You have probably seen that popular saying somewhere,
Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

You will do fine in Asheville, you have so much to give people, so many skills, much more than most people! As for The Terror, just tell it: "Not now, thanks for sharing, talk to you later."

Keep writing!

ozjthomas said...

I don't know, Andrea. It is not your fault. I'm just unable to be healthy and deal with a lot of things in the world. Thank you for the support, though and good luck in Haiti.