01 March, 2017


I have not written much, both due to life and intermittent internet. Putting a blog out every day is overwhelming, so I've had to back down from that.
I've been pretty busy with school and volunteer work, and I think that writing the blog was helpful, in realising just how lonely and exhausting my life is despite not really having  alot of work. I've been getting up at 2 am most days, after sleeping about 5 hours, wasting time, usually with art and or watching videos until I can go running and mostly trying to fill the day.
I am torn right now as to what to do in vet medicine. Anesthesia scares me because of the risks. I am very scatterbrained and dont pay attention well. I don't want to mess anything up. I feel like the best thing I can do quite often is nothing. You might think that is low self esteem, but it is just a reality of being depressed and unable to function well.
Most days follow a schedule. I am so tired of it, it seems so pointless.
I'm just so tired, emotionally, physically. Wish i could get more sleep or feel at peace for a few seconds.
I just don't know.

17 February, 2017

I can write at least for now

I was too depressed to write last night and tbh I think I've bit off more than i can chew, aiming to post these every day. As far as activities, diet and things like that go, I've noticed a few patterns the last few days.

I eat not much, a banana and some coffee and go about my daily routines. I tend to view it all as a lot of obstacles.  Go to gym. Volunteer. Do art work(that I can hopefully get paid for). Inevitably, feel tired, eat chocolate to wake up, hate self and feel worse also because of the hypoglycemic reaction. Want to go to school, but feel overwhelmed. Want to go to take psych drugs due to worsening depression, but I take them and feel inevitably just worse, still unable to cope with reality and numb. I see these self destructive patterns but don't see much way out of them or any place I can relax, so I keep doing the same things that are self destructive.

Today, I just survived the class. Not much else. I was miserable and running on empty. It looks like I have to do an externship to finish the class. I want to finish it but not sure what the point of it is and am not optimistic about what future prospects are. I could do vet assisting but it seems pointless and tiresome.

I will likely hide in my room for a few hours and watch free tv on amazon until I can sleep. It is not something i enjoy but don't have much motivation to do much else.

16 February, 2017


i am too depressed to write a long post right now.

15 February, 2017

Be kind

I am not always kind to myself and amid expectations of doing an unrealistic daily journal amidst a busy schedule, it seemed destined that I would fail and hate myself.

I spend most days tired, fuzzy in the head, dissociated and depressed. I try to keep unrealistic expectations that I will go to school, volunteer and live on a meager income, all while alone and eating nothing but a bag of $2 potatoes(over the course of a week) and little else.

Yesterday, I ate again two bananas, then nothing until after I ran, donated blood, went for groceries, went to group and volunteereed at the food bank. I have been taking turmeric and ginseng and feeling better but fail to really do much to address realities. Of course there are complexities and my depression meds are worse than useless, and it is a hard hole to even want to come out of, but being unkind certainly does not help, especially going on an average of 6 hours of sleep.

I do not think I will learn much doing these every day, and though I am upset I am braking a promise, being too hard will not help- in fact it shows I need to step back, breathe and be kind and allow mistakes.

Anyway, thats all.

12 February, 2017

I've Been Bad

I was going to be posting these every day, but real life, ennui and inertia got in the way. I'm not terribly overbusy, just. . .

OK, so let's just get on with the show and our boring tabulation of minutae.
Yesterday, Saturday, we did not have school. I could not sleep well, got maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep and although I woke up, unable to process information, I couldn't easily get back to sleep(not without heavy medication, I'm betting) so i stayed up, watched some videos on philosophy, wasted time and made art until it was a reasonable enough time to go out.

I think I ate a few bananas and had some coffee. I remember I thought I was eating too much and was worreid so I did not want to eat too much. This would bite me later.

I ran and coming back, was really tired, both from the run and from the cold and from the coldness of the trailer that is still broken and I'm too depressed to do anything about. I thought about going hiking but was terribly tired. Instead, I went for a drive to pick up more cold medicine and called my parents and came back.

I did some artwork for a few hours and watched a movie and needed a break from the schoolwork, but I am really not sure where the day went, which is always a bit frustrating. I am writing this on Sunday, when I've gotten a bit more sleep and overate a bit too much, having cereal both last night as a snack and this morning, and having bought household goods and volunteered at the nature center and been a little more productive, but it is ok to have down days, too. I am guessing pushing yourself so much, limiting food and being cold all the time isn't good for things like that. To tell the truth, I know this, but don't really see much hope of things ever getting better.

I am decreasing the pristiq very slowly. Only two pills this coming week. They were just making me more depressed and dissociative. I can feel some good and some bad coming with getting off of them, but overall, I need to get off of them. It seems that I do not see much hope except for pushing and pushing and I am so very tired.

That's enough writing for now.

10 February, 2017

Day 4 of TMI

So yesterday happened and this blog is just going to show how boring and predictable my life is.
There was not much of not yesteday. Looking at it, I ate the same things, mostly(bananas and later, soup for a later meal) and because I didn't eat enoguh it probably made me crave candy, i think.

My early morning was punctuated by running, giving blood, all things which I felt socially awkward doing. My weight was down which made me feel happy for a second, although I don't like to admit that. I also have a few extra dollars in my debit card which is nice. I was really tired after the plasma and it looked to be snowing, so I came home, had a hearty dinner of soup and bread and vegged out.

I worked on some art, wasted time and watched les Mis. I actually focused on it, which was good, although i wonder how much was the haldol that reduced my anxiety.
I fell asleep early which led to me waking at 10 and then finally at 12. I got some sleep, but now it is 6 am, I have been watching youtube and drawing comics for a few hours and am exhausted and really dreading the day at vet school.
I am sure I can physically do it, as I always do, but am emotionally exhausted and disconnected.
I don't know. Just looking to get it over with.

09 February, 2017

Day 3 (2/8/16)

Was really tired and did not post last night. This is becoming a pattern.
Diet: Bananas
Lentils soup and a few rolls
Coffee, a lot of h20, a coke zero

1/4 pristiq
no haldol

Notes: I did not eat as much, did not feel weak, but emotionally tired. Not sure how much is the cold and how much other things. I did not eat candy, am more aware of this but did have more coffee and took a nap.

Activity: Woke up with a cold. I think its getting better. Nose not running constantly. Did art and wasted time online, watching youtube. Went biking at the gym. Awkward, polite, hating myself for this. Was going to sauna, but felt too tired, probably from cold. Did not go hiking and went home for 4 hours until class. Was frustrated bc unfocused. Did art foir a while, but then watched dumb nintendo videos and read a bit on existentialism and animals.

I had a good time at class. Today was lab day and we were set free which i didn't know much what to do, but it turned out ok, despite my worries. Someone in class mentioned I shouldn't ignore dogs, but I was doing so purposely as I do not know much their disposition and did not want to startle them. Still, I think it hurt personally.

I came home  and was really tired and fell asleep after playing fire emblem on the ds.
I only slept 5 or so hours, but that is typical for me. I feel like this cold is still here, but better.

08 February, 2017

Day 2(2/7)

Was really tired and did not post last night.
Diet: Bananas w/Oats
Lentils soup and a few rolls
Coffee, a lot of h20, a coke zero
a few valentine chocolates

1/4 pristiq
no haldol

Notes: I have a craving at times for candy. I think this isn't good for the hypoglycemia. I also have tendency not to eat enough and get hungry, then reach for easily accessable chocolate.
The pristiq withdrawal is slow going but going well, am already experiencing less depression and derealisation.

Activity: Woke up with a cold. Went running outside, because I am OCD although I wonder the wisdom of this and if it makes the sickness worse. I definitely had trouble breathing. Later on, went to get dayquil to decrease running nose and sneezing and donated plasma. There was a new lady drawing blood, but she was good. I again beat myself up over not being too social, but tried to be genial to everyone. I used the money to buy groceries(typical stuff, lentils, bananas, etc, coke zero) as well as fill up on gas.

I came home to study and did some drawing, then wasted time on internet, unable to focus and about 1-2 i fell asleep for about an hour or hour and a half. I spent about an hour and a half studying before going to class.

I don't have a good balance at times, or focus and wind up wasting time so it is good to have a schedule but will be glad when night school is over.

We had our lectures which were about radiology, a bit boring but useful info and we got some time to look at our blood smear slides. I fell asleep prety quick. I think this cold is wearing on me.

I slept an entire 8 hours and feel refreshed but know one I get back to not having a cold, will go back to sleeping 3-5 hours a night.

06 February, 2017

Day 1 (2/6)

Banana and Coffee
Lentils with Potatoes

1/4 Pristiq

Worked on artwork in the am and read and wasted time on the internet
Ran 5.2 miles and did various exercises
Drove around to find bloodwork for thyroid
Volunteered at Humane Society- played with dogs, made treats, did laundry
Drove home, then went to class

Notes: Was frustrated often at things I felt I was doing wrong- wasting time on internet, later I could not find the lab and hated myself because I get so lost and turned around, was unmotivated at animal shelter and class and hated myself also.
This is a definite pattern but things are ok.

On the plus side, I am starting to feel a little less depressed now that the antidepressants are wearing off. It is increasing for me my ability to get agitated, though, to not be as emotionally numb, but the drawbacks are just getting worse while the benefits almost nil.
On the down side, I thought I was just having cat allergies but I think I've got a mofo cold. :( headache and runny nose and itchy throat. Damn.


 Sunny and warm made me happy and now that the antidepressants are wearing off, I am not as depressed.

Seasonal Patterns

I tend to get depressed this time of year. I am glad it is warmer so I could run outside. It is good to have the class because it is allowing me to do something, but I feel like it is all pointless and I will not make a good thing of it anywway.

Life Events

I also started taking the turmeric and am trying to eat healthier and be more aware of patterns, especially more complex ones. Nothing comes from nowhere.

I am taking a break from the nettle in case it is causing allergies, too. Hopefully it is not and it is just a cold. I will probably need to take allegy shots if I have to work with cats.

Pesonal Accountability Journal

I've been thinking of how I can make a simple personal accountability journal and how I can do it quickly and easily and this is what I've come up with for the format:

Events and Reactions
Seasonal Patterns
Life Events

I don't think I will make it all public as it is tmi, but I may share them from time to time. Thanks.