17 February, 2017

I can write at least for now

I was too depressed to write last night and tbh I think I've bit off more than i can chew, aiming to post these every day. As far as activities, diet and things like that go, I've noticed a few patterns the last few days.

I eat not much, a banana and some coffee and go about my daily routines. I tend to view it all as a lot of obstacles.  Go to gym. Volunteer. Do art work(that I can hopefully get paid for). Inevitably, feel tired, eat chocolate to wake up, hate self and feel worse also because of the hypoglycemic reaction. Want to go to school, but feel overwhelmed. Want to go to take psych drugs due to worsening depression, but I take them and feel inevitably just worse, still unable to cope with reality and numb. I see these self destructive patterns but don't see much way out of them or any place I can relax, so I keep doing the same things that are self destructive.

Today, I just survived the class. Not much else. I was miserable and running on empty. It looks like I have to do an externship to finish the class. I want to finish it but not sure what the point of it is and am not optimistic about what future prospects are. I could do vet assisting but it seems pointless and tiresome.

I will likely hide in my room for a few hours and watch free tv on amazon until I can sleep. It is not something i enjoy but don't have much motivation to do much else.

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