ozjthomas

Vivid Dream

2010-01-24T07:06:00.003-05:00

Dream symbolic.
I was getting ready to run away. Memories of times I had started or almost done this when younger.
I go down to the kitchen and see my Dad stuck in the back yard again.
I write that I am leaving. Saying I will be home later after lunch, although I don't intend to come back.
I leave.
Step out into garage and see a policeman. Strange and realize there is a shootout or something, slowly piecing together there is a police shootout at the neighbors house.
The cop ignores me or he waves me off.
I sit back, because I can't walk off like I had planned.
A baby comes up, crawling. I piece together that her family lives back the other way, I breathe a sigh of relief but then she says something about her parents going to the love hotel, and the cop says something about the shootout being at the love hotel so I fear her parents may be at the shootout.
The baby tranmogrifies into a cat and back several times.
I feel responsible.
Slowly it all dissapates but like a dream, nothing is exactly resolved or makes sense and I forget about running off.
Later find myself at dinner, he seems surprised but engrossed in his own private world.
I am just staring out the window again.
It is a full moon.

Etc

2010-01-22T10:02:00.002-05:00

I haven't updated in a while
With poems or animations or anything
I think I'm going to be busy with this class
I saw a coyote yesterday night and one last week
They seem to be everywhere up here.
I envy them. They are so free.
They seem so free.
So anyway, if I am away, I am probably taking classes.
Trying to better this depression by engaging the world
I hope you are all well
Love

Thanks, Drew

2009-12-26T09:28:00.002-05:00

Drew, thank you so much for the support. As always.
I don't know what else to say.
Thanks.
I hope you have a nice Holiday.

The Forest

2009-12-25T21:46:00.002-05:00

Fathers and Mothers everywhere cautioned their children not to go into the forest at night, not to trust the words of the wind and not to stare too long at the moon. But as happens often with all parental advice, this advice was only sometimes obeyed, usually ignored and on occasion, challenged.

The two children in our story who challenged this advice and headed into the forest are Freda and her boyfriend Gabriel. And one night in Mid-September after they had ran away from home, intent on starting a life together, completely unprepared... hand in hand, they entered The Forest.

As the night grew on, it became colder and colder. The sounds of the wind, seemed to whisper
messages like "I'm going to kill you, rip out your heart and consume it, while it is still beating ..". They shuddered together as they tiptoed down the path, quietly as they could. It was so dark they could not help but look up at the Moon, and notice, oh, how beautiful it was.

They tried to look away but found they could not and that's when it happened...

Hello children, the snake hissed, come into my den. It's safe and warm in here. Cold and hungry, they followed him... It was quite foolish of you to come unprepared into the forest, unknowing of her ways...

The snake stared at them with his bright yellow eyes,, but no matter, he said. Eat now and rest. Tomorrow you may go on your way.

And so Freda and Gabriel ate and ate. The snake was more than generous and when they were
finished, they were so tired that they fell asleep.

They awoke early the next day, happy that they were still alive and ran out of the Snakes hole as fast as they could.

Pretty soon, they were walking on the path and since it was light out they were feeling much
more confident. I don't know why we were so afraid, said Gabriel, and they laughed as the
forest animals scurried out of their way.

Pretty soon, they encountered a hunter in the woods. They told him what had happened the night before and he told them that they should have killed the snake.

I have lived out here a long time and the only way you can win this game is if you take control right from the start. The forest is your enemy.

The children thanked the hunter, said they'd be sure to remember his advice and went on their way.

And they walked and walked and walked and soon enough it was dark again and since they were
without a home and food and safety, they became very scared once again.

The snake showed up once again, please, let me help you, he said.

But the children remembered the hunter's advice and killed the snake instead, ate him for dinner and hid underneath a log until it was day again.

They awoke the next day, even surer of themselves and continued on their way.
From time to time they would laugh at their parents, who feared the forest and told them to stay away. There was no mystery here, no great powerful monster.

Freda and Gabriel laughed and laughed and walked and walked and once more it was dark again.
The Snake appeared, offering to help them out. They were scared at first, seeing the snake alive once again, but quickly killed and ate him once more, sleeping under a log once more and waking with the Sun once again.

And the next day they laughed even more, and were even more confident. They were getting the hang of this.

But something worries me, said Freda, what if the stories are true and the Earth will
revolt and the REAL monsters come out?

Gabriel thought for a minute, then had an idea. We will make weapons. Then when night falls, we will be ready. And so they made their weapons, and so they were ready.

When the Snake came and offered help, they killed him and then, hearing the noises of the forest at night, they became afraid...
The rustling sounded like it could have been a great beast, thrashing about, breathing, moving swiftly. Freda and Gabriel ran out into the darkness, looking, searching with keen eyes.

Dashing out into the night, they both spied into the darkness until at last they both saw a pair of bright, angry eyes and they lunged.

Gabriel gave a cry, for Freda had stabbed him. He bled, she cried and soon, he died.
She held him in his arms, angry at the forest...

But the next day she buried him and trudged on... I will conquer you, forest, be quite sure of that, she promised.

And that night, instead of killing the snake right away, she asked, what do i have to do to kill you. The Snake said that he was part of the forest. She bit his head off with her mouth.
And burned the forest down.

I have conquered you at last, she said as she watched it all turn into ashes. She smiled, looking back.

And saw the Snake, outside a burned out husk of a tree.

Why will you not stop haunting me, she yelled, and came over and grabbed him by the neck.

Please, he said, I am the last Snake, I can help you out, but if you kill me, noone will ever help you and the forest will die.

Why should I care? I hate the forest, she said.

But if the forest dies, you die, the Snake told her.

She looked around and set the Snake down.
Come, the Snake said, let me show you to the other side of the forest. The one that is not as dead and lifeless as you think it is.

And this Snake showed her and she realized she was not alone. And she was not afraid.

She thanked the Snake.

Very well, he said, but don't play with me any more. The next time you do, I am going to bite you. And it's going to sting.

What it's not

2009-12-11T09:15:00.000-05:00

not words not hope
not food not dope
not enlightenment
not entitlement
not tv
not ecstacy
not money
not love bunnies
not escape not denial
not ideals not asylum
not lsd not psilocybin
not prozac not nickelback
not being on a career track
not organic food
not super truth
not exercise, not opened eyes
not whispered secrets, not snarky t-shirts
not giving up not giving in
not finding new worlds to live in
not finding truth not living lies
not becoming the perfect, ideal size
not being famous not being rich
not being nice, not making a wish
not travelling, not unravelling
not meditating not levitating
not magic making not affirmations
not god not science
not lambs not lions
not jesus not gandhi
not beemers or hyundi's
not future not past
not slow not fast
but listen
just love
because
that's all we have

The Sun

2009-12-11T07:52:00.003-05:00

The sun shone today
It's amber, warm rays
down down to the ground
warming the sound
the sights everywhere
vibrancy in the air
like something that's awakened
unabaten, unshaken,
and it's something so simple
so clean, uncomplicated
breathe the clean air
i know you can take it
be and not fake it
and yet hey ok then
stand in the wind
on the back porch door
nothing special about it
too simple to doubt it
just a beautiful day
ordinary every way
with the sunshine even rain
and to hear it once again
i know just what it's saying
it's calling your name

Only the Wind

2009-12-08T21:41:00.006-05:00

Determination is all that be left
in the broken borders outside the cleft
and listen hearing the drums beatin down
and the sun shine in this border crack town
not feeling love, passion fire fury ice
right down to the street, it just don't feel right
and not enough soma here no way dear
to wipe this crystal clear always sincere
deer in the headlights stare, just everywhere
love in the distance and feeling by listening
not enough to know it, gotta grow it
broken straight friend, love, once knew turtledove
yet keeping it real blowing, embers in the cold its snowing
and seeing believers everywhere kind hearts that care
cops, workers, kids, you say apathetic
but they're saviors , im bein prophetic
so while we go on day by day this way
and see the sun shine its gentle warm rays
know it, we ain't blow'd it, ain't no election
can give you power already possessin'
and these old days return, and remembered
things change and then they've ascende(re)d
and you and me, friend, i'll see you again
even if next time im only the wind

23rd Psalm

2009-11-30T09:17:00.000-05:00

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

Appalonia

2009-11-15T21:17:00.001-05:00

They call it Appalonia
from the desert to the shore
We found it and we placed our flag
thus began this tale of yore
It was an eden's paradise
in those timeless early days
even from september with the frost
until the thaw of may
My family, my tribe they thrived
but then the other fighters
came upon the land so fierce
and our own space got much tighter
And so we burrowed underground
until a new world we had found
and decorated filled with joy
a new place we could now alloy
But many there they did not wish
to move on underground
and so they took their hearts above
and they looked around
But many stayed and yet survived
the new world we'd created
although the earthquakes trembling throughout
like our place there was misstated
and reinforced and readjusted
the walls and rocks above
the crushing slowed down, we were safe
but it became darker underground
From time to time we'd go above
and breathe the air and Sun
and then we'd go back underneath
and live without much fun
The Wars would rage on overhead
and rocks would move and quake
and we would sit and wait below
only half awake
And as the years had passed along
many did forget
who we were or what the world was
and so we lived lives of regret
This taste they called excitement
this thing they called the light
ideas, images, just half known
in whispers in the night
And yet we'd say it's real
It's real, and talk of days forgotten
the entrance to this underground
was sealed and we were rotting
Suffocating, slowly dying
happy wondering, never trying
Not believing up above
another world did lay
Instead just staying underground
and rotting one warm May
noone knew
and noone cared
maybe they could have escaped
if they had dared

Neverwhere

2009-10-24T13:20:00.006-04:00

Cotton swept over the rolling hills
while I slept. the cool breeze
sounds of memories
and whispering trees
bring me back
And I go on with fear
from some distant neverwhere
to here
I read and see the whole world crying
howling like a wolf in the summertime
the dead and dying
sick and injured. I open my eyes
can't stop crying
And I hate that others are ignoring me
living in delusional fantasies
but find that I've been abhoring thee
too
These little things they help they aid
and grow as people in essence, to trade
technology for humanity
agony and ecstacy stead of insanity
the path unknown, chaos most times
but have to believe that we will find
and hope and leave the past behind

Create a new world with joy to find
and not abused and neglected minds
But freedom and community
Re-realization of unity
From out of the ashes from out of the dust
reborn from the heart, reawakened with love
And not some dream or mental task
to be envisioned from the past
But wholly realized fully new
Original thoughts are in there too

Let's leave this neverwhere behind
there's heaven here on earth to find

Memory

2009-10-17T20:04:00.007-04:00

Quietly, the wind whispered through the trees.
The warm, bright sun made patterns there in the shade as we sat.
Me and Emily
We looked at the patterns and watched them ebb and flow.
The great oak tree we sat below.
Talking.
Laughing.
Me and my love.
And the day went by.
Laying side by side
Breathing the fresh early autumn air.
Feeling the silt and sand
with our bare feet
underneath
At times, a plane would pass overhead.
And then a.
And we would wonder about it.
And dream.
The day felt like it could go on indefinitely.
Beautifully. Tragically.
That night, staring off into the night sky
Watching the passing cars pass on by
and our minds
Building, dreaming, weaving a web
We kissed goodnight
And went to sleep
side by side

I dreamt that night
that there was a pyramid to be made
bricks to be laid
but as time raced, my heart paced
i felt so hopeless there, in that state
i awoke in a cold sweat
reassuring my love, my dear
my sweet emily, with fraughtful face that there was nothing to fear
kissing her gently on her cheek
i tell her i'm sorry, but i have to leave
grab my cereal bar, briefcase, too
she pats me on the head as i walk out the door
hands me my coffee, says i'll see you at four
she sees me nervous, says
don't worry, dear, everything will be fine
smiling, gently, reassuring
everything is perfect
i wave goodbye

But of course all I ruminate in my mind
is how i'm sure nothing will work out this time
my watch has stopped ticking
A black cat crosses my path
and I try to lie with a big stupid smile
but the feeling inside
tells me it's all a lie

It was not so long ago
that we found eachother, you know
And though I found her pretty
I never could see
what someone like her
would ever see in me

Her poetry was smooth
and deep as the ocean
Our first dates I was clumsily
going through the motions
From advice to worse inaction
Addictive dependencies
Unknown infractions
And yet somehow, someway, she stayed, she believed
always convinced i deserved to be leaved

Now all I can think of are ways i could mess up
and off the cuff
i fully resign
when i see her
to leave everything behind

I lie and I say I can't come home tonight
there's too much pressure, too much fright
maybe we'll be apart for awhile
she starts to cry, i tell her to smile
she's overwhelmed and confused
though i can't tell her the truth
so i hang up
the phone
tell myself she's better off alone

As I drive off, with no goal in mind
perhaps to go to a motel
perhaps looking to find
something
and
i see a sign
"enlightenment this way"
"come anytime, night or day"
so i go, i find a man and i pay
and he instructs me
to sit
in a cave

and i sit
waiting
day after day
for something to find me
to come my way
but all i can feel
though i try to suppress
is the memory of the girl
and the feel of her breath
day after day
there's nothing else left

Hyperreal Dreams

2009-10-11T01:03:00.001-04:00

Ring ring it wakes you up
The telephone,
you thought you were alone
but the telephone is phoning home
you wake up, hearing you are dreaming
crusty eyes, everything seeming
not quite right
no land of dreams
nothing is quite as it seems
the dreamer falls asleep to waking life
and all this myriad toil and strife
he leaves this day for endless night
and in the darkness, hallucinates sight
and wonders am I awake
or just half baked
and blinking
thinking
am I a butterfly today
when will my problems fly away
but nothings quite just as it seems
in this land, of hyperreal dreams
problem is, my friend, my mate
we do not know we're not awake
ring ring the phone again
beckoning you to dive back in
to return once more to slumber land
where little boys are full grown mans
where you don't have to wonder, son
just wait and watch, enjoy the fun
Now you say it's all confused
Not knowing you are being used
And someone's laughing, of course: it's funny
Pretending life is fueled by money
Ring Ring stop this dream right now
for the real world is burning down

Childhood

2009-10-05T07:58:00.004-04:00

Childhood, when I remember it, is not some idyllic time, and it's not some time where I was dumb or unaware of what was going on around me. The myth that childhood is some idyllic time really pervades our culture, from the way we talk to kids to the way we have these distinctions which aren't really accurate.

As a "kid" adults who talked down to me or forced me to do stuff I hated. As an adult it's something I hate even more.

In some ways, I remember some things being simpler, sure, some things I didn't have to worry about, like where I was going to sleep, bills, but you had homework, bullies, the drudgery of schoolwork, crazy friends, teachers, et cetera. Really, not that much changes.

There is a change, which can be positive or negative of becoming more aware. For me, I became more aware of gender roles, and some awareness was not so negative, but for example when I found out masturbation was wrong, I felt really really bad, and I don't think that's the kind of learning that is beneficial. Growing up can lead one to responsibility, but it can also make one feel really guilty about just about everything and can lead to a loss of vitality of life and just an air of suppressive conformity, instead of seeing that the world can still be fun, we can still be ourselves when we are an adult and that deep down we all have the answers or we all don't have the answers.

I'm reminded of pennilesscripple's Rage video yet again, especially the part about how we are not allowed to be who we are and not allowed to truly be in the world and be a part of it. The line it's like we have to perform really struck a chord for me.

And I think we really have to learn from this, because children can teach us things we have forgotten but they also need to be taught. And not lectured to or made to feel guilty or wrong about everything, but taking part in the cause and effect of their actions. Because what we don't need is to continue to make a world that people are afraid of, feel guilty about or feel hopeless about.

Live in Death

2009-10-02T18:45:00.001-04:00

Let's burn away the night
the mourning
and the flight
for better days
I ask you, stay
The last breath tastes so fresh
just like the first
Death, it means a time to return
rebirth
A call for things remembered
things rendered
some forgotten
don't fear the rotten
we are here
it's time to come home now, dear
that much
is clear
Another journey
of love
Another mission
my dove
I don't want to leave
or be bereaved
either
but
Our time is short
we burn with fever
To live fully in death
and breathe the ether
and feel the warm sun,
live 'til nothing's left
That's what it means
to truly live in death
is to be fully alive
and never regret

Breeze

2009-10-01T20:14:00.009-04:00

it's easy to be
like a tree
standing tall
and tough
for all to see

but to flow
with the breeze
inbetween
the leaves
and endure
the endlessly
shifting seas
that's a trick, magician
that's not so easy,

its simply not so easy

what if i would sail away
on currents, on days that are warm
to find distant shores

and be reborn

what if i would find a cave
a warm, protective, holy enclave
and wait and wish

to be saved

When the clouds and storms approach
the stars are covered
Slowly it will encroach
Like long lost lovers

sensing something new, yet familiar the same
reaching my hand out, the first drops of rain
came

And for days and days
it would just pour
rain

Then after this fall
and a long dark lull
when i'd sit and just say
how i wish to fly away
on breezes, on wind, to, simply, change
to endure, to bend, to flow with the wind
to live a life that living fits in

And try as I do to fix all I knew
the new world is colored with unforseen hues
Perhaps I can't fix or change or rearrange
the varicose veins on this page
but just let everything old
simply slip away
know that i'm no hero
no savior of days
and look to higher grace
to shift the sands away

to flow
with the breeze
inbetween
the leaves
and endure
the endlessly
shifting seas

Angry Bear

2009-09-25T21:11:00.000-04:00

Angry Bear was angry!
He had told his brothers and sisters to wake him up
And they had Not!
And so by the time he woke up
it was almost night time
The salmon were almost finished their run
and the other bears bellies were full
Angry bear rambled and scrambled his way down to the rocks, down to the

stream, pushing all the other bears out of the way.
He greedily, head first dove into the stream, eating fish after fish after

fish
When the others looked at him, Angry Bear just roared and scared them away!
ROARRR!!!
And this made him happy, because now he could eat all he wanted to.
And that's just what he did.
All through the night, Angry Bear ate. When another bear came down to the

stream, Angry Bear just roared again and scared them away.
This made angry bear very happy
And when he ate his fill, he just kept on eating
because he didn't want to save any for the other bears and he hated all the

noise the salmon were making.
When he was finished eating all of the Salmon, Angry Bear was happy. But he

still didn't like all of the noise. And so he drank the river, too and he ate

the forest and pretty soon, it was very quiet indeed.
Bear settled down for a nice nap and fell sound asleep.
And Angry Bear dreamt. He dreamed that he was a salmon, struggling, fighting

to swim upstream, knowing that perhaps he might make it upstream and perhaps

not.
He struggled and struggled and struggled, and he finally, finally, finally

made it upstream.
He woke up and thought about his dream.
And he noticed how quiet it was. Usually this would make Angry Bear very

happy, but today it made him sad because it meant there would be no more

salmon and no more bears and no more forest.
Angry Bear tried to vomit all that he had eaten, but something told him that

would not work, that it would be too violent for the fish to survive, so

instead, Angry Bear fell over in a great thud, fell asleep for good and

became the Coastal Mountains. His head and belly became the great peaks and

from his stomach, the trees and fish and other animals came forward once

again.
After some time, Angry Bear woke up once more and crawled out from inside of

himself. He walked down the stream in the early morning, determined to wake

up earlier this year so he would have his chance in the fishing game.

No turning back

2009-09-16T18:37:00.006-04:00

(This was a vision I was working on. I am not sure I am finished with it, but it had some interesting developments to me)

No turning back
on the icy cold plains
As the sky turns to black
as the wind brings the rain
My thin shirt does naught
a thing to protect
I sit, huddled, distraught
feeling distant, and bereft
And sleep will not come
I simply can't rest
I open my eyes
Remembering a test
Shuddering and shivering
Blundering, quivering
I walk out, I'm guided
I want to be snivering
And I want to rest
but its time to go forth
to the hustle and bustle
to finish this test
I go off to town
and filled full of fear
and I see the eyes
I see them leer
and then halfway there
I freeze in my tracks
Don't want to go forward
I will not go back
I barely register
and freeze when I find
a wolf has my silhouette
in mind
I fear the town
so I gather my courage
then I look at the wolf
then look at the forest
The wolf is more me than I
with those deep gazing eyes
beckoning me
lets ride in the night
So I jump on her back
and I start ridin'
we're free as we run
just the moon shining
Across the dark night
past the far fields
i see the far oceans
and mountains and steel
There's chaos and noise
keep running we do
think if we run far
we'll be safer, too
A great grove of trees
with no weeds underneath
a peaceful respite
the wolf stops to breathe
she lets me off and i saunter about
a tree draws me near
i walk underground
i walk into the roots
of this hollow queen
and find myself inside
a timeless, fine dream
and when i look out, i see all the others
the other trees, as sisters and brothers
im happy i smile, at least for a second
i don't think a bit that anything's pressing
the wolf starts to sniff
and lays down so quiet
but something in the wind
draws me back in
what was it, i wonder, i left in that town?
its so peaceful here
but the truth im remembering now
to town i must go
leave this fine place
i want to stay, but there is no escape
the wolf i do ride, tumbling again
the breeze flows by like riding on the wind
she gives me her fangs
her jagged sharp nails
i thank her
she smiles and gives me her mail
her leather fur armor
perhaps it will help
i start off quite clean
but as i walk in
my clean, polished sheen
does not last a min
i get scarred and bloody
smiling, thinking oh, lovely
I keep on going and moving
attacked in all directions
by the shadow creatures, the razor monsters
and the chainsaw demon with an unsavory infection
i realize right then, that im going to die
but its all ok, i just say goodbye
i make it to town and i fulfill my quest
by going to the door
then i breathe my last breath
and pull open and swing
that great wooden frame
The future comes forth and I fall
but it's ok
My mind starts swirling
I see a bright light
a flashing of fear
a losing of sight
And then a return
warmed by the nectar
Get up slowly, a voice says
You've been resurrectered
Who am I? Jesus, I ask when I wake
All of us are, the old man says to my face
There's something I must do
I say, trying to get up
The old man tells me, rest easy, son
Sit still and sup
Your work is all through
Your labor is done
Maybe unexpected
but you actually won
And to tell the truth
I'm quite happy about
the fact that I haven't
died yet somehow
Looking out the window
I see the mountaintop
a graveyard grove of trees
with some cubs there on the top
I smile, and they see me
and they all begin to howl
I smile back at them, whisper
there's no turning back now

Armor

2009-09-04T10:01:00.003-04:00

The young warrior had dreamt of fire. He knew it to be a bad omen. So he went to the old wise man for advice.

The old wise man listened to the young warrior describing his dream, then presented him with leather armor to protect him from the fire. The young warrior thanked the old man and went on his way.

Just as in his dream, the warrior met a great deal of fire that day, but with his armor, he easily survived it all, slew the beast and returned to the village with a feast.

That winter, the warrior forgot to take off his armor (it was warm with it on, after all) and while his wife found the armor to distance them, she said nothing because the armor had allowed her husband to survive fire.

The next spring, as the young warrior set off on his travels, he met the old wise man again. The old man insisted on helping the warrior, telling him he could improve the armor. The young warrior said the armor he had was fine, but as the old man insisted, the warrior took the new armor, which was supposedly better in every way.

The warrior easily slew the beast that year and brought it home.

His wife, aghast at the new armor, which was colder and uglier than the old armor insisted he take it off, proclaiming she could not bear another year living with it. But the warrior could not take it off. He tried and tried, but found the armor had become stuck to him. So it had to stay on.

The years passed and the young warrior and his wife became old, with young warrior children of their own.

And these young warriors, having been sold on armor at a very young age had never fought without it, had never known life without it, and so did not find it cold or strange, they simply accepted that this was the way things were.

This warrior tribe became weak.

And one year, hearing stories of brave warriors who once fought the elements bare naked, a young warrior decided to strip off his armor and face the world.

He went into the cave, and the cold and damp air made him shake. He crept up to the monster and it heard him, turned and scratched him. He ran and managed to get away, but his entire backside had been burnt by the creatures flames.

He returned to the village with some scrawny fish, while his brothers returned with another feast. Yet despite not being successful, the naked warrior insisted he live without armor.
So year after year he tried, he fought and he learned the old ways of hunting, tracking and creeping that had been forgotten.

He had to wonder, why didn't the old wise man teach us this, instead giving us simple solutions. So the naked warrior went to visit the old wise man (who by now was very old indeed)
And the naked warrior realized, upon meeting the old man that he was not wise, but merely clever, and a good salesman.

The naked warrior went back to his village, taught his family and neighbors the secrets of hunting and told them if anyone ever came to them with an easy solution, a promise too great to be believed, to remind themselves that they were already happy.

And that they need nothing more.

Only a dream

2009-09-03T21:45:00.005-04:00

It was only a dream, the dream was this
A place to go where life is lived
Where life is good.
Abundant yet pure.
Knowing that we are as much as we can be.
That we do not need to take more than we need
We have lived here for as long as anyone can remember and as long as anyyone can render, we have tendered this land. Day after day, things have always been this way.
We work sometimes, but we do not call it work here.
We call it living. Life as both taking and giving.
A continual cycle renewing and from this renewal, great harvests ensuing.
We need very little 'cept our bounty from labor, but what little we do, we find when we trade with our neighbors.
Sometimes we hear about the big world
The land that extends, endlessly unfurled
But we stay in our village, happy, content, not wanting to break something so carefully rent.
Bigger's not always better, more is not always needed
We have learned from the past, the wisdom, it is heeded.
Our children have no school, save the world entire
They learn to live and give and far from uneducated, they're inspired
Sometimes sickness comes to the village
and Sometimes people die
We have medicines and we often live long
But sometimes we must say goodbye
Sometimes these far off lands
Make us gasp in wonder
But then the stories start about the many many blunders
The wars for gold or oil or land
This killing is something we don't understand
And so we stay here, and we like it this way
There's more important things than money
each and every single day
But like I said it was only a dream
but something that is a possibility

Giants walk among us still

2009-09-01T18:43:00.003-04:00

Giants walk among us still
hidden in tattered robes
They speak quiet mostly, though
their presence always known.
They fall like thunder
Wither and die
Struggle incessantly reaching the sky
We try to box them, they can not fit in
The giants corrupt what we try to keep hidden
And if one day we make it inside
Find a way to conquer the giants hide
We'll watch the giants that we slew
And find that we killed ourselves, too

Poems

2009-08-20T17:26:00.003-04:00

Here are a few poems I am working on, writing in my journal. Will update with more when I return from farming and travlling early/mid September:

Call of Larks

Creeping Shadow, Spindly Web
The fangs are not the thing to dread
Bright and Open, Closed and Dark
Do not Trust the Call of Larks
In the Morning with the Dew
Sparkles Fine all Clean and New
Games aracin' once again
Never seen where we have been
In the maze there is no reason
Just Rainbow Candy, Pleasure Fleeting
Stroke of midnight, Pumpkin Spoils
No witches brew can be a foil
Another language, can't read signs
Lose your heart, just biding time
Keeping wide while keeping open
Fear of dark, Fear of closin'
This game can't stop, it can't be won
The Moon will set and soon, the Son
Futile race to outwit Gaia
While in the Pleasure holds of Maia
Creeping Shadow, Spindly Web
The fangs are not the thing to dread
Bright and Open, Closed and Dark
Do not Trust the Call of Larks

Home

What is Home
But a feeling
Just a fleeting
Sometimes healing
Sometimes hurting
Place to rest
I have a house
but more or less
it's just a place to lay my head
and so I travel about instead
Finding new horizons to arrive in
But I can't stay, I can't dive in
A traveller then, a traveller now
No more home is to be found
No simple days on solid ground
Perhaps I'll stay a day or two
And rest my weary bones a few
And yes, it's true, I do like you
But tomorrow I must start anew
I'll grab my shoes and walk away
perhaps one day I'll find my way
I'll see the Sun, I'll smile alone
and for just one second, I'll be home

Gemini Starshine

Drama between Kings and Queens
In influorescent night I was deemed
Or I have dreamed
oh, how I dreamed
Once upon a time I made a rhyme
and I was The Gemini Starshine
A light you'd find to fire your mind
Inspire, I did, and I became the sign
But then forgotten, smotten, rotten
a ragged dog so much besotten
I fell asleep while at the race
like I was shootin' for outer space
I was jingle-jangled, my fairy's been mangled
and my ego just protecting a nest filled with brambles
Here I am: a zero, once was a false hero
Life as fame or something tame
all the same, it's a game that's played
race with nitro, make it a go-go
smile just right, so they know you're not so-so
Come on, pick it up, move and shake
I got a pattern to dance to if you want to take
But there's more than just dancing here at stake
There's hopes and dreams, the truth, what we need
But sometimes these dreams cloud up what we see
And I see it falling, hear the ravens calling
The vultures descending, tearing and mauling
The new history books, the new Kings and Queens
The delusions they live in fish tanks of dreams
So they dream their dream and so do I
But the towers they build way up to the sky
They're something, that for me, does not attract
The stars never helped me, never loved me back
All I want is to be real one day
there's no blue fairy to show me the way
I stand on the edge, in the icy cold moon beams
and From the black on night, I feel the Sun sheen
And red opens up the indigo sky
A new dawn approaches, this is no lie

All I've Got

Maybe it was a Mistake
Maybe not
But I did what was wrong
by rebelling
and now
so much later
it's telling
because there's no more rebelling
But these bad habits
are All I've Got

Is it Peace?

Once upon a time
Anger filled my mind
Rage tore apart my walls
Frustration filled my halls
I simply fought the world
Didn't know what to do
My seams coming unfurled
My heart breaking in two
But through the years I learned to live
And accept and struggle through all this
I sometimes wonder, through my dedication
Is it peace I feel or is it resignation?

Ok, that's all for now. I hope everyone is having a fine August. =)

Faith

2009-07-18T18:10:00.004-04:00

(video to be added)
to the altar to pray
for forgiveness, to say
where i've been this
and each and every other day, missing
gone from the spark
of life, of wonder
adrift from the magical
ferry boat of thunder
gods house, it's not my house no more
waiting on an omen to even the scoreboard
i know thats something we can afford now
man, we gotta set out our plans now

rabble rousing speakers espouse
i try to realign to reality now
in the scientific forum
where split up molecules conform
to what we say is the norm
but sometimes they storm
but you know
things don't always go
the way we think they should
still a hidden hand, guiding all this fucking magic wood
couldn't even change it if we thought we could

don't want to be blinded by hope and narcissism
but i see more magic to the world than scientism
the voice of the angels sing
sweet in my ear
and my heart beats fast, scared,
but i know there's nothing to fear here
the alpha, the omega
the start, the end
are we advancing upward
whats just round the bend
are we set to be saviors, evolve into light
or will we all stay here another good night

i don't want to be buddha
i'm ok to be me
and me and the spirit and God
we make three
Reflecting on reflections
I see my own mind
It's a magical machine
It's not who I am this time
But deepdown I'm connected, hidden in the darkness
These physical manifestations of Gods dreaming circuits
eyes of god, the unbridled wind, seeing yourself in more than your kin
everything, everyone, nothing left out, everything holy, there is no sin now
i see burning bushes, i climb trees of life
confused and deluded and covered with strife
i want to break free, i stab with a knife
but what am i doing? avoiding this life?
(freestyle experimentation)

Earth: another creation story

2009-07-17T22:58:00.002-04:00

On his billionth birthday, a boy woke up to find that his name was Earth. He suddenly became aware of the beauty and complexity teeming across his surface and the knowledge that was slowly starting to crystallize. He felt everything and was completely aware of everything that went about on him. Knowing this, he felt very much at peace, very connected, and he found that he could smile and relax for the first time in a long time.

The boy meditated. He sat still and quiet. But the more still he became the more he became aware of his incessantness restlessness that was happening on his surface. It wasn't long before he was caught up in the changing weather, the highs and lows of love and anger and the drama of everyday life.

He longed to be at peace once more. To be like the calm moons or the simple, clean gas giants.

But he couldn't help but wonder, Am I a fool to want to be at peace? To want to be different? Am I simply selfish?

He mentioned the confusion, the vast emptiness that he saw dividing them all. The comets told him he was thinking too much. The Moons told him his obsession with perfection would ruin him. Earth eventually stopped mentioning his doubts to other planets and moons because he seemed to be alone in his questioning.

The boy then goes to see his father, Sun and asks if there is something wrong with him. He thought that if anyone would understand him, his father would.

But as Sun rolled with laughter and told the boy to just exude his strength, Earth was reminded just how different he was from his father. While his father did nothing but shine, Earth also desired to nurture, to create small fires to nurture all kinds of wonderful creations.

Sensing Earths discomfort, Sun tried to console him by saying "You are fine just the way you are."

The words do not help.

Earth continues on, feeling alone and confused.

And as so often happens when one is confused or deep in introspection, Earth does not pay much attention and winds up being battered by meteor storms, assaulted by solar flare ups and spun in every wrong direction.

And when he stops, he sighs, because he sees noone nearby and feels more alone than ever. He starts to cry.

Just then a voice from the darkness speaks, "Why are you crying, boy?", the voice asks.

Earth turns around to see a shimmering princess, covered in jewels and wearing a beautiful silk scarf. His heart melts when he sees her. He excitedly tells her his story. His complete life story.

She listened, still in the shadows, quiet in thought. When Earth was done, she introduced herself as Moon.

I hear many things from you, Earth, but tell me, if you could have anything, what would it be?

I would want things to be as they were before, before I was Earth, when I was just a simple planet with nothing crawling on it, or maybe I'd be like Jupiter, a gas giant.

Moon smiled, but that is not something we can change, she tells Earth. You have been granted a great gift. The gift of life. It is surely trying, but you must be unique to have received it.

The boy thought about this for a minute, then smiled. You are right. They must have thought I was worthy to be given such a gift. He looked out at the night sky and saw not empty space, but neighbors and friends, guides in the night sky.

Thank you very much for giving me hope, Earth whispered to Moon, I am eternally grateful. Then let me lead you in the darkness and in turn we can create a beautiful world.

Earth smiled at this thought and has been together with Moon ever since.

Simplify

2009-07-17T22:32:00.004-04:00

Obfuscate and Complicate, an overzealous plan
to control what's hidden in the ether
I'll blame it on the man
Or on those other huckstered suckers less aware than I
All a final fantasy, weighed down by the sky
America as hell or heaven
America as fear or lies
300 million pawns play chess here
No time to wonder why
Just time to start, live in truth
No City of Gold, No eternal youth
no green washed lies to keep us going
polluting and abusing, new seeds need sowing
America I love, I hate
America, time to set things straight
The shadowed past of war and slavery
As well as brilliance, courage, bravery
No perfect land, just perfect lies
no more change to bide our time
We're already here, wherever that be
We're lost but still whole, we need not be controlled
The more that we do, The more that we scheme
the more Gaia wakes up to shatter these dreams.
America, the brave, the proud
America, short-sighted, loud
Respell the skies, rewild the earth
Remember our elders, remember our worth
Slavery, Broken treaties, Corporate control, been too greedy
Plastic bottles, oil drums, we all know this shit is dumb
Hybrid cars, recycling plants, we need more than bandages, man
Proud tall giants reduced by fear, torn open asunder not seeing clear
Nature won't die, only us fools, us proud Vulcans with our shiny tools
To simplify, to make it last
the future is now, back in the past.

R U Human

2009-06-23T22:19:00.002-04:00

Consiousness is direct streaming
Experience is full and teeming
These electric machines are empty beings
On waves of light
On photons of dreams

Machinations
create a new world order
Fully making
A world without borders

A world without work
A world with no pain
A world that is stable
A world that is strange

A place that is lifeless
and bland and safe
And stereoscopically
filled full of naifs

A pill to stay happy
A preprepared meal
An easy commute
All part of the deal

Automatic meal planners, automatic chefs
automatic dressers, automatic presses
automatic freezers, automatic knives
wondering what the hells the point to this life

Answers come out streaming
from scientific beacons
That if we keep on plugging
Everything will keep on running

But when the smartest man with the smartest ever plan
Asks his I-computer for the answers in the sand
the machine will take a glance, and do some computations
and give a logical answer ignorant of all creation

Perhaps he'll say aha
that makes perfect sense
your plan to keep on keeping on
it's good to ride the fence

But if the I-Computer gains a bit of life and luster
a dreaming wonder fantasy to garnish it's rusty bluster
It would say to this smart man, and ask him quite sincerely
You seem more machine than man, R U human, really?

And some excuse, some smart refute
obsessed with being right
the smartest man would talk of love and light
til deep in the dark night
The I-computer, sitting still, but fully well awakened
would laugh and laugh it's electrons off like shak'n fryin' bac'n

Day

2009-06-20T21:14:00.006-04:00

The Sun peeks through the trees
The fog falls with the air
The wind, rain, the breeze
venture out, do you dare?

Unknown, Unexpected, Unwalked these roads are
We fly here in fear
The hawks watch from afar
but still, little dear
its the best day of the year

Where's truth in expectation
and glory in pursuit
Where's the song in a dead congregation
and stale and tasteless fruit

You'll dream of love
You'll dream of hope
and be knocked down again and again
think you can't cope?

You'll sit in the dark
You'll lose what you knew
Just get up again
and fight for renewal

The clock strikes midnight
and it starts to rain
it doesn't stop
torturous pain

But then the day comes
and the sun shines once more
another chance, another day
what does it have in store

A new path to walk
A new way to know
just give up control
so at last we go home

Forget everything
forget what you know
Forget where you've been
Forget what you're told

You were born a bird
but now time to fly
You're worried I know
You're gonna fly so high

The hawk pierces down
The rain starts again
As This chaos unfurls
You'll fly into the world

The Sun starts to set
the birds sing and play
There's calmness in night
after such a wild day

Optimism

2009-06-12T21:38:00.003-04:00

Why am I Optimistic
In a world filled with pain
Why do I see Hope
When nothing seems to have changed
Different year, different leader
but all playing the same games
When I look out my door
feel the air getting warmer
Seeing injustices pile up
On Earths every corner
When I sit on the bus
knowing I'm been stuck in a rut
Hear all this talk of a world that is brutal
Just be hedonistic, living is futile
I see drugs in the gutter
graffiti on the walls
most days delusional
so sick of it all
But I see cops being kind
and people taking time
and I feel people's anger
rising with the tide
I see crows kick their young
out from their nest
But I also see cats and dogs
peaceful at rest
I see love that is endless
and hate untested
And above all of this
I see scars that are mended
People are good
life also too
mass living and nine to five
is the real enemy, dude
To say it's all useless
To say we're all fucked
is to be under the gun
of a narcisstic schmuck
Look out the window
See what is now
And start seeing clearly
the power and how
The path and the choice
that comes with community
and having a voice
an optimistic opportunity.

Flowing

2009-06-12T21:27:00.001-04:00

I look out in the world, the breath of Gaia flowing
careesing and strongly, swiftly blowing
Birds are kicked out of nests
Some survive, some meeting death
Cars with horns honking, people swearing
people murdering eachother, people caring
getting doped or learning to cope
doing something or sitting to smoke
houses burning, houses being made
laughing, crying, each and every day
love and hate, fear and pain
stasis and movement, inertia and change
rain washes away the old
these things never stay
our idea of perfection
will never come our way
I look out in the world, the breath of Gaia flowing
careesing and strongly, swiftly blowing

Soul

2009-06-07T19:38:00.003-04:00

Shouting down commands
A patriarchal man:
Sends us all these rules
Listen to these fools:
stay clean go to school
eat your breakfast
don't be a fool
three meals a day
with proper amounts
vegetables, dairy, grains
that's what counts
watch news to be aware
drive inside the lines
pay attention, but don't stare
disobey, you'll be fined
be productive, work even faster
smile and be happy
listen to your masters
cry and be sappy
but only when you should
listen to your family
only do whats good
brush your teeth
study hard
comb your hair
mow your yard
pay your rent
don't do drugs
say please and thanks
and give small hugs
but above all of this trite advice
if you only do one thing, do it right
Mother calls, she's waiting outside
Just stop talking, you'll hear her quite fine:
Just listen with your heart, know you're already whole
no rule is ever going to ever own your own soul

Serenity Prayer

2009-06-03T11:42:00.000-04:00

Hello

2009-05-27T19:03:00.004-04:00

Hello little shadow being
I can hear your heart beating
Quiet, Listening to the Pleading
All these dreams
can bear repeating
These dreams of future and of Past
All these doors winding down Fast
And as these Nightmares creep ever closer
This endless darkness extends ever lower
Music makers, dancers, shakers
Lovers, singers, new creators
Amid all this violence, find the peace
Amid all this chaos, find release
And like Enkidu, we're all half-beast
In the dark shadows, we'll find peace
And as the new towers are built on the past
Already crumbling, obviously won't last
Built ever higher, built ever fast
We watch them go up, quietly laugh
Hearing the sirens calling and lulling
all of her soldiers to wall themselves in
And many of them obey
Because the Gods say
We are all Going to
Die One Day
Judgement will come, Satan will too
And Fenrir and Loki, to just name a few
Taking us down for all of our sins
Have we been good, or should we start again
Are we sinners or are we saints
It only matters who holds the paint
If Hermes sees us, may he send a snake
or a coyote, a trickster to take our place
The Halcyon days
Begin as they end
The Fairies and Magic
Make Reality Bend
We've been so asleep
and stuck in the past
We're here once again
Waking up at last
hey arjuna
hello christ
waking up
on this good night
hello Ra
hello God
We're all Princes
Noone's not
hello buddha
hello saints
get your pencils
and your paints
paint and draw
breathe and live
make a new world to give
we're all saints
we're all saviors
life as beauty
not as labor
we have the key
we're at the door
we need nothing
nothing more
hello brothers, hello mothers
walking down the road
no other
goodbye here we're at the end
hello again, wake up, my friend
Run and twirl and move like mad
there are no mistakes to be had
The time is here, the time is now
nowhere we must be somehow
Hello you
Hello Me
Create a new
Reality

Deep Ecology Philosophy

2009-05-21T17:38:00.012-04:00

It never stops
Becoming whole
It's Something
that can not be controlled
The water filters
through the wetlands
through all the zones
desert to riparian
The air it blows both east and west
Blowing hard, then quiet at rest
And fire and Earth and Sun and Moon
Listen to them and feel the boon
Ecology is
all about life
Everything included
This place is rife
With fungi
and algae
and bugs
and more
With trees
and birds
and lichens
and scores
of sedges
and grasses
and flowers
and bees
and people
and lions
and rocks
and reeds
all communicating
Interrelating
and all playing
with self organization
The Mouse chews the nut that shelters the bug
That crawled through the soil
That held the tree snug
And up in the tree the Owl hunted the mouse
and swept down upon him, perched on his house
These systems are here
already being steered
Rocking the way
No hands on the wheel
Geology, Biology, Chemistry and Life
Take it all apart, Dissect with a Knife
Shadow upon Shadow, down the rabbit whole
Complexity neverending, never going to be known
Open up our eyes, really see the light
The new philosophy is the only way to make things right
And when we return to Gaia, the one great entity
the skies and the earth, the interconnectivity
the vision of all
one under the sky
not a machine
a complete breathing being
we live drink eat, we breathe fly sleep,
we drink the same water
we walk the same paths
as we go into the future
we look back to the past
have you ever wondered why
as you look at the sky
what makes you smile
what makes this worthwhile?
if you listen, it speaks
bright blue streaks
songbirds who tweet
the wind in your hair
the feel of the dirt
the soil, the earth
the smell of the trees
the pollen, the bees
the tastes from the fields
the power to heal
the sight of the sun
and feeling as one
the feel of a touch
being whole in enough
the taste of pure air
so clean and so fair
the wind and the rain
do you feel the change
the seasons, the trees
the southerly breeze
the valleys, the hills
the path to the will
the wolf calling loud
many voices all proud
the water, the rain
the wind like a train
and fire at night
quiet burning so bright
the path to nowhere
the colors the sounds
the smells all around
is it your senses, your tastebuds
what lies between up ahead or above
and knowing the connection
the breaths that we take
we're all here together
one destiny, one fate

We live, we breathe
the world does not stop
It can not be dropped
It wants to be whole
Ecology's Something
That can not be controlled

The skin of the Earth
It's there in the Dirt
The Heart Beating Slow
Magnetic Below
Maybe it's Living
And all that it's giving
Whats running the show
Will we ever know?

We live, we breathe
We feel, we see
and the world never stops
the way can't be dropped
It wants to be whole
and it's something
That can not be controlled

Dream

2009-05-20T19:00:00.005-04:00

Dreams like the fog
slipping off in the morn
Slow like a bog
Bubbling it warns
It's Patiently waiting
'til the thunder is born

There's lightning and rain
there's running and sweating
Repeating this training
Seeing but letting
All forms turn to shadow
All things dissipate
I'm Not really here
I'm Not really there
Who am I, I don't exist anywhere
Sit back and stare
Be safe with no care
Sit fully clothed, naked and bare
And sitting with safety
all through the night
i can not be blameless
but maybe I might
Play in the margins
outside the lines
Become nameless
Out past the signs
Who are you
The voices all yell
I hear them tell me
I'm not well
Don't touch me
and don't get near
everyone, everywhere
Hatred, fear

And the walls crumble down
the blasted out drown
With blood flowing red
but not near to dead
Right there it stands
the white pure, simple land
but i still hear something
don't pretend that it's nothing

I hear a call once again
wake up from your dreaming
I'm watching you sleeping
There's hope here, my friend

Ghost (a poem)

2009-05-17T17:30:00.001-04:00

Test

You're not Weak

2009-05-17T10:59:00.002-04:00

They'll tell you you're weak but you're strong
They'll tell you you're lost, but you've been home all along
They want you to stop, to give up the fight
They want you to hide there in safety at night
They say there are rules, they say there are ways
Close it all down, no more hope in this day
They want you to stop, that's why you keep going
They want to stop you from growing and knowing
They think they can win, but it's all a dream
They think they are clever, but they're too naive

The Hunter

2009-04-02T20:03:00.002-04:00

Irredeemable, Irrational, Untraceable, Untrackable
Dancing in the Darkness, Unknowable, Unmaskable
Crawling, Crouching, Creeping Up, Sitting Silent, Sipping Blood
Racing, Running, At the Cusp, Fevered Fury, Ain't it Fun?
Run, Run, Run, Run, You're not Gonna Get Away
Hide Out Somewhere, I'll Find you Some how, Some way
Blackness, Bleakness, Fear is Near
Tingling Toes, Dog Desperate Dear
Loose your legs, no time to tear
Go Glance Back, I'm always here
You never gonna get away
I'm always here, I'm here to stay
Try and Run, You can and may
But know you'll never get away
Try, try, try, try, I am the King, you see
No one is better, no body escapes from me
In the night or in the day
I'll find the will, the path the way
I'll charge ahead and you'll be caught
You'll struggle, but it's a hopeless thought
Run, Run, Run, Run, You're not Gonna Get Away
Hide Out Somewhere, I'll Find you Some how, Some way
Try, try, try, try, I am the King, you see
No one is better, no body escapes from me
Shifting Like a Shaman, the Hunter Becomes Hunted
Uncertain of ability, I feel I'm being stunted
But you fools you can't fool me, I thought you understood
When did you awaken? When was this not good?
No, no, no, no, that's not how it BE, you SEE
I deal the tricks, you not gonna game on me
No, no, no, no, that's not how it BE, you SEE
I deal the tricks, you not gonna game on me
One day.. there was a hunter in the jungle, one day...
One day.. there was a trap the hunter bungled, one day...
One day.. the hunter springle sprangled and got all caught and mangled
In the trap that he had sprung and set
and had forgotten about until the moment when
The hunter FELL
and tumbled
and bled
and tasted for the first time
in his life
defeat
...
I'm redeemable, I'm rational, You're tracable, You're trackable
You think you are a master, but you are not unmaskable
Smiling as you go along, cocky cause you think you strong
You forget I'm here, but it's too late you're almost gone
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I knew I could get away
Make it somehow, find light in the night some way
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I knew I could get away
Make it somehow, find light in the night some way

The human brain is on the edge of chaos

2009-03-20T20:43:00.001-04:00

Cambridge-based researchers provide new evidence that the human brain lives "on the edge of chaos", at a critical transition point between randomness and order. The study, published March 20 in the open-access journal PLoS Computational Biology, provides experimental data on an idea previously fraught with theoretical speculation.

Right On! I'm digging this article!

Hardcore Zen, among other things

2009-03-15T15:13:00.003-04:00

So Sean made a few videos about his kundalini experience and something he said about how his view of growing up has changed as he grew up. He said when he was younger he thought he would outgrow all of the boredom, the tedium, etc, but instead it was like he just went on to something different. I really dug Hardcore Zen, because at it's heart, it is about just accepting and living, matter of factly in reality, not achieving some instant enlightenment. No nirvana, just learning to live.
Another book that this reminds me of is Full Catastrophe Living.
Now I am not claiming I am really the master of this stuff, but I think that I've realized some similar things as well, learned to live.
When I started my own path, I thought my depression, visions, et cetera would disappear. At first, it was the meditation and other things, or finding a new job, or taking psychiatric drugs that I put all my faith in. None of that solved my problems and it's not until I started the slow process of acceptance that I learn to live. In some ways, I became stronger, learned different ways to deal and dialed back in some areas of my life.
Reality never really changed.
That something that is said in Zen a lot... awakening is realizing you were awake the whole time, or in other words, there is nothing else you need to do to realize your full potential.
In some ways, the whole idea of enlightenment is so often corrupted into this ideal of having no emotions or of living in constant bliss, so I can understand why it is a term to be avoided.
Plus, the whole concept sounds kind of... arrogant.
Still, I find I am very thankful for Zen philosophy. Zen and Zhuangzi(and to a lesser extent, the tao te ching) I really relate to. I read the Bible, the Gita, Koran, the Way of the Samurai, philosophy, psychiatry, but these simple koans and stories are really powerful.
I just was reminded of that these past few days.
I am including this video of an online friend, Dave, because I think this really drives these points home.

One Day

2009-02-07T20:10:00.002-05:00

There once was a boy named Sammy C
who wished to sail the seven seas
his brothers, they're called A and B
wished for nothing but to please

You see, since they were small as peas
they were told just what to do
and given few opportunities
for things they could persue

The TV told them what is good
and teachers told them what they should
accept as real and how to feel
but C, he sensed they did conceal

The true and passionate existence
that could be his with great persistence
And he was told that sailing was not at all acceptable
and to try to turn his passsion into something more respectable

His mother told him he could sell some boats down on the beach,
but never sail the seven seas or even try to reach
his brothers both got jobs and lived comfortably in housing
while C he lived in shambles, while dreaming and espousing

He dreamt and he went far, way beyond superficiality
dreaming of escaping, far beyond this sad banality
C he tired dearly of just doing as they'd say
He'd stare out at the Sea and whisper quietly "one day"

And did he escape to sail the seas
and feel the wind and breathe the breeze
Maybe he did and maybe not
It's not at all that I forgot

I'll only tell you he was true
and lived his dream the whole way through.
And didn't live his life through bars
and didn't mind the many scars

Adventure, Excitement, A Jedi Needs Not These Things

2009-02-03T07:47:00.004-05:00

I guess I am no Jedi.

Poems

2009-01-22T23:23:00.006-05:00

Art

Laws and Rules Twist and Bend
The way that art "should" look
Trying to usurp to it's end
With theory and formula and stale old books
Math and Logic, Design and Convey
Copy, Paste, Repeat what I say
Dilluted, dull, covered with Gloss
Fits in well with the Hollywood Floss
Never quite real, the feel isn't there
The words of the Snake, going nowhere
Abstracted patterns, storms in the wind
loss of true living, true art is Sin
Winding, Not Minding, Right Brain over Left
Expressions Beyond the Perceptual Cleft
Clever with words, a poem must rhyme
and art should be pretty
not truthful, not shitty
And above all, remember
if you do some art
It's not really art
If the snobs don't say it is

Why?

2009-01-14T20:56:00.003-05:00

You look at me
and our eyes meet
in harmony
your lips so sweet.
I can't forget
you look away
but tell me
come another day.
the bliss, the joy
i miss your coy
demeanor and
your lonely smile.
After a while
I see you and
you are smiling hand in hand
with another
with some other.
With another man.
So nothing that
we did together
is of value
is it, to you?
Spring through Autumn
Days spent wasted
But through it all,
Sweetness tasted
Sunshine shining
Hopes aligning
The two of us
Our future designing
And there I hoped
that it would last
and now it's all
part of my past
Your blue eyes
they look at me
so tenderly
and I can't see
I look away
Is this some game
you play today?
You hold his hand
but hold my heart
why don't you tear
my life apart?

The Healing Desert

2008-12-22T09:43:00.003-05:00

In the Bible and in other texts, the Desert in regarded as a healing place. There are numerous spas, retreats and hermitages in the Desert, and although the climate is harsh, I believe there to be a reason behind all of this, a truth I cannot explain, but can deeply sense.

I do not know much about ethnobotany, but one expereince I had while working under a Cedar Tree for three months has convinced me that plants have definite influence over our lives, an amazing healing ability and "magic" even.

Each ecosystem has a power that influences the people there. For example, the rainy forests on the Pacific Northwest are mellow and cool and calming, there is immense magic in these forests and mountains. The forests of the East have a different feel. Many being barren and woody(due to overharvesting) and walking into them feels like a graveyard at times. This Sonoran desert of the Southwest is something completely new to me. It is interesting to me to compare the different cultures, both modern and ancient and see the immense influence of the environment.

My first morning here, I heard fighter jets and saw many airplanes. I think that even if there weren't numerous airforce bases out here, this place would still have a lot of mystery around it, maybe still speculation about UFO's. There is such an immensity to the land and an unsettling quietness, lending itself to opening up the mind to possiblities of other realms.

The picture below is of one of the mystical agave plants, which among the cactii(wonderful survivros) populate this desert landsacape.

Creativity: Conserving Energy vs. Getting Blood Flowing

2008-12-15T21:47:00.002-05:00

Those cold winter nights and foggy days are important, if not in an actual sense, then in a metaphorical sense, for an artist and for anyone, to rest. However, I have found that too much rest and conserving energy actually leads to lethargy and a slowing down. This isn't always a bad thing, but can be.

Conversely, taking on many projects at once while can be envigorating can also lead to confusion, loss of sleep and if you get too much into a creative mood, dangerously close to mania or psychoses.

It is good to be aware of ;)